Delusion

The seductiveness of one's own words. The thrill in hearing your own voice. The delicacy called personality.

The holiness of ambition. The cunning succulence of dreams. The plan behind plans.

The righteousness in honest pursuit. The masochism of struggle after breathless struggle. The addiction that accompanies accomplishment.

The passion for opinion. The virtuousness of being neutral. The bliss of ignorance. The gravity in which judgment can be left suspended.

The innocence that permits guilt to freely parade itself. The defenses that are fortified with anger. The regrets that seek attention. The ease of hate. The clinginess of grief. The sly civility of compassion.

The uncountable stories of the self.

Holland.

Absolutely Hammered Spain.

Reminds me why I watch sport.

Had the day off today. Spent it resting. It's been a crazy couple of weeks at work. Mind's still buzzed. Need to switch off. I realize it's the one skill that's going to prove crucial in the future - switching on and off.

Over the last few months, I've come to realize that I can get really obsessed with things. When I think about how I've behaved on certain occasions in the past, I can, with the benefit of hindsight, point out episodes of obsession: with playing sports, with reading, with writing, with work, with hobbies, with all sorts of stuff ... I get into this frame of mind when nothing else seems to get through. My mind picks up momentum and it just doesn't stop, doesn't let other things in, no multitasking at all. Whatever I'm obsessed with takes priority over everything else. My sleep cycle goes for a toss, I don't eat properly, I lose my appetite ... It didn't matter when I was younger, but at 30, I find this exhausting and draining. And it's taking me longer to recover from these bouts of obsession.

When I'm obsessed, I somehow feel that it's all or nothing, that I have to give this everything every minute of the day else I'm not doing it justice. I have to stop thinking like this. I need to be able to put in a few hours of well-directed effort every day over a longer, much longer, period of time rather than invest my energies in a highly intense, concentrated burst of effort. I need to be able to say "Okay, this is how much time I'm gonna spend on you and after that I've got other things to take care of".

Like I said, need to figure out how to switch on and switch off.

***

I've also realized that I don't listen to music as much as I used to earlier. Heck, I don't even think it's 10% of what it used to be. So I spent the day listening to a lot of Adele and Ludovico Einaudi.

Adele is phenomenal. The power, the agility, the range, the emotions, the rawness and the honesty of her voice. She's a thing of beauty. Every time I hear her, I feel grateful for being alive. I'd like to hear her live if I get the chance.

PS pointed me to Ludovico Einaudi when I was in Bombay. I got back to LE today after a long time. Truly wonderful compositions. All I want to do is just lie back, close my eyes and soak in the music.

***

I want to start writing again.